Deciphering What She Really Means In Her Tinder Profile

As much as men like to think they don’t need instructions that shit is a godsend when you’re putting together that flat pack IKEA coffee table that you thought was “cute”.

Muhammad eagerly gets stuck into 'How to Get the Pussy 101.' — Muhammad eagerly gets stuck into ‘How to Get the Pussy 101’.

It saves us time, money and effort. Us guys, we ain’t hard to figure out – we want to get to the finish line fast. That’s why we speed. That’s why we smoke. That’s why we eat two-day old Hungry Jack’s. That’s why we get lung cancer (Wait?).

"Giz us a cigret ya cahnt!" - Dazza — “Giz us a cigret ya cahnt!” -Dazza from Dandenong

Anyway, the same principle drives us when we’re looking for a partner – we want to get to the finish line (the girl’s goodies) with the least amount of time, money and effort.

The Tinder landscape can seem easy enough to navigate – you swipe, match, throw your best pick-up line and nekminnit you’re lighting up a ciggy. You don’t need instructions right? That IKEA coffee table looks fine with 3 legs. Who care where the spare bolts go. You got this…

WRONG.

Women are wonderful, unique beasts that speak in code.

We’ve all asked a woman “Is anything wrong?” and then heard her say…”No, it’s fine.” You’re thinking ‘It’s cool, everything’s good’.

NOPE.

There she goes again speaking in code! That statement is a precursor to the real connotations – she is not fine and she’s going to list the 10 reasons why.

Self-explanatory! — When you hear this you’re doomed.

Now you’re thinking “How do I win at Tinder when she’s giving you all these mixed signals”?

Well, worry no more son I’ve got the instruction manual; I’ve dedicated my life for the past 4 months to get inside the inner mind of the females of Tinder to decipher their hieroglyphics and find out what they really mean when they talk about:

Travel. She’s been to 20 countries and counting! She’s cultured, she’s got stories to tell and it would be good if she could find someone who’s done the same. They could share their experiences stroking that caged tiger in Thailand and run off into the sunset together. That’s easy enough to decipher right Kev? Hell no!

What she really means is “Do you have money?” You can’t sleep in Prahran if you work at McDonald’s, ya feel? Expect to fork out at least 30% more money on food and entertainment than if you stayed single, cried about it and then jerked off to Pornhub on the family computer.

"Touch me again and I'll fuckin' kill you."-Tiger prolly — “I should’ve stayed in college.”-Tony the Tiger contemplates his career since his last Frosties ad.

Alcohol. She likes meeting up with friends after work for a greasy parmigiana and a frothy beer and would absolutely love someone who could accompany her on a pub crawl. She prefers the pub now because she’s just so “over the club scene”. Nothing to see here folks? Move along. Wrong!

What she really means when she likes a drink is that she’s continually testing her market value at public venues and will not hesitate in upgrading from you should you mess up your chance with her.

She gets a free market appraisal every time she goes out to have a drink and "dance". — She gets a free market appraisal every time she goes out to have a drink and “dance”.

The Outdoors. See explanation 1.

"Ouh this a good shot. I don't think anyone's ever done it before!" smh — “Oh this a good shot. I don’t think anyone’s ever done it before!” -Every Girl Ever

Food. She’s 20-something now and she’s over the club scene. Nowadays, her weekends are filled with visiting inner-city lane-ways trying out deconstructed cold drip coffee and blogging about it on her overpriced Apple laptop. She likes little kittens, pepperoni pizza and crispy bacon just like you! Amazing. You’re practically soul mates! There’s nothing wrong with that Kev, right? Wrong again!

"Sally? Nice to meet you. Didn't notice you with all that food around your neck." — “Sally? Nice to finally meet you. I didn’t notice you with all that food around your neck.” -You prolly

What she really means is she reserves the right to look or not look like she does in her profile photos. Be careful, some Tinderers will employ the old bait and switch! You think to yourself “Whoa, she loves retro-wear” but then find out later it’s actually because that photo was taken literally 15 years ago. Also, See explanation 1 again.

No Hookups. Damn. Pack it in fellas, there’s nothing left for us here. What were we thinking? Tinder was designed for chatting ONLY. She was never going to meet you in person. All she wanted to do was exchange some banter and answer your questions about Snapchat. Let’s go home. Wrong!

Don’t give up so early young buck! This means that she’s actually up for fun if you play it right. No, not chloroform silly. So be the best guy you can be. Be funny and treat her nice but don’t bend over backwards for her if she doesn’t reciprocate.

Obligatory Tinder Logo included for convenience.

Tinder can be a lot of fun but it can also be sh*t. Girls can be like the above, girls may not be like the above. Everyone’s experiences are different. I only hope that this serves you well brother. Because while there are so many variables in the dating world, one thing will always stay true – the Brocode. Now go out there with this handbook and see what you fun you can get up to. Peace.